


The Post Breakup Breakup

by onlymapaches



Category: Psych
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Breakups, Canon Compliant, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Post canon, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-05-18 17:38:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5937085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlymapaches/pseuds/onlymapaches
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shawn and Juliet’s engagement lasted seven months and fourteen days. It ended not with a wedding but a single smile from a bookstore cashier on a case Juliet was working.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Shawn and Juliet’s engagement lasted seven months and fourteen days. It ended not with a wedding but a single smile from a bookstore cashier on a case Juliet was working. Gus didn’t see it, but he felt Shawn stand up a little straighter beside him. Gus didn’t think about it. He just flipped through the case file.

After the smile things crumbled for them. Gus watched without realizing what it meant. Another rough patch maybe, but they’d get through it. Juliet and Shawn always got through it. They’d gotten over lies and commitment issues and Juliet’s move to San Francisco. Juliet helped Shawn grow up, become a mostly functioning adult. Gus didn’t even have to claim him on his taxes anymore.

The couple didn’t get over the smile. The smile became The Girl and The Girl became Katie. Katie from Duluth: pretty, sweet, grew up playing hockey with her brothers, and fell for Juliet at first sight. There wasn’t an affair because both of them were too kind for that. Juliet talked to Shawn without hesitation but neither mentioned it to anyone else. Not even Gus.

It only took a month for Juliet to sit Shawn down, return the ring, and ask for his forgiveness. She didn’t have to ask twice. Shawn understood, knew it was coming in the same way he was always three steps ahead of everyone. He watched it. He smiled. He joked he’d already started packing. He made Jules promise to bring the girl around for his and Gus’s annual John Hughes Film Fest. She did.

That’s the night Gus finally found out. Shawn had just enough sense to take him aside and explain everything before he answered the door letting in the new couple. Gus hid in the kitchen at first, fighting to process it all. He was more torn up than Shawn seemed to be and _that_ pissed him off. That was good. He wanted to be angry. He wanted to be mad and rude but this was Juliet. Gus _liked_ Jules. Even after finding everything out he liked her. There wasn’t a better way any of this could’ve been handled because Juliet was kind and smart and good. He joined them in his living room a few minutes later- rushing out of the kitchen after realizing that maybe leaving Shawn alone with his most recent and most serious ex and the woman she left him for wasn’t a good idea.  Even if it was Shawn.

It was fine. The three were smiling. It wasn’t even one of Shawn’s plethora of fake smiles, the ones with eyes too sharp and too much teeth. Gus joined the group, tried to ignore the ugly thing growing in his chest and belly because if everyone else seemed to be okay he should be too.

xxx

The thing was Gus _was not okay_ . At all. Jules and Katie were charming. Adorable. Shawn was his usual breezy self. It was almost as if nothing had even happened. By the time _Pretty and Pink_ was over and the girls were leaving Gus couldn’t breathe. The ugly thing had been growing the whole night. He wasn’t sure what it was but knew he didn’t like it. He didn’t like any of this.

Shawn and Juliet were supposed to be forever. They were a storybook romance. Kinda. He had graciously stepped back and accepted that she was taking over his Shawn centered duties. She was going to be his handler. His new number one. He got ready for his Best Man responsibilities, excitedly thinking about bachelor party options and drafting speeches in his head. That was gone now.

And Katie? Katie had been a _delight._ Truly. She was kind, genuine. She looked at Jules like she hung the moon. Every time Juliet looked at her the same way Gus wanted to get mad. He couldn’t. He couldn’t find an ounce of anger towards either of them. He knew they’d see her again and lied saying he looked forward to it. It only took him a minute to realize that wasn’t a lie. Gus sank into the couch waiting till he heard Shawn’s footsteps to finally speak up.

“What the hell was that?”

“I know right? Can you believe Katie’s hadn’t seen _Weird Science_ before? It’s a classic.” Shawn said dropping down next to him.

“No Shawn. I mean what is going on with you and Juliet and you letting her go?”

“I didn’t,” Shawn seemed a little at a loss. He tucked himself into the corner before continuing, “I didn’t _let_ her go. There was no letting. She just went. She met Katie and they’re great. Didn’t you like Katie?”

“Of course I liked Katie, did you hear her talk about Teen Wolf? How could I _not_ like Katie?”

“Okay then what’s the problem?”

“The problem, Shawn, is that I watched you spend the last decade of your life mooning after Juliet, finally getting her to date and marry you after everything you two have been through and you let her go. Without any fight.” Gus didn’t look at Shawn when it all rushed out. He couldn’t.

“It hasn’t been a decade.”

“Shawn.”

He expects another quip. Shawn remained silent. Minutes pass and Gus thinks that maybe the conversation is over. Shawn slipping out of it before Gus has a chance to get to an actual answer. Gus knew though, that even if it’s over for now it’s not over forever. Because Shawn is his best friend and you can’t be a good friend and watch your best friend ruin his life without at least knowing why. He needed to know why. He wanted Shawn to give him one of those rare honest conversations where he sheds the quips and jokes and just _talks_. The ugly thing flared up again.

“They’re great.” Shawn said and for a moment Gus wasn’t even sure he was staying on topic. Then Shawn added, “They’re great _together_.”

Gus finally looked over. Shawn looked so small. As small as his voice sounded. Shawn Spencer should never look or sound small- Gus was sure of that. He didn’t want to keep pushing. He wanted to drop it; distract Shawn, make him laugh. He wanted Shawn happy again. He always wanted Shawn happy. That couldn’t happen if he let this go.

“You were great together too.”

Shawn looked at Gus. Watched him. Gus didn’t know what he was looking for but he must have found it. Shawn nodded and stood, slowly cleaning up. Gus hefted himself up and smacked Shawn’s hands away from the dirty bowls. Shawn never cleaned. He was trying to escape, make this conversation go away. Another thing to bottle up and patch over, another thing to ignore because confronting it was ugly. Gus pushed him back down to the couch giving him a look and gathering up the dishes himself.

“We were. We were, but let’s be honest buddy, we weren’t gonna be forever.” Shawn stared at a glass.

His voice would’ve sounded normal to anyone else. To Gus it sounded hollow. He couldn’t look at him, too afraid of which Shawn he’d see. He was too afraid he’d find that eighteen-year-old kid again. The one that decided to drop everything and run. Run from Henry. Run from the future. Run from _Gus_ . Shawn’s self loathing was audible, palpable. It was enough to make Gus hate Juliet and Katie. _They_ brought that back. _They_ did this. Gus knew that wasn’t right. He let the hate slide off him without a fight. It wasn’t them, it was Shawn’s own demons.

“Why?” Gus asked.

“I don’t need a forever. That’s what I have you for.”

“Shawn that sounds suspect.”

“Too gay?” Shawn asked but it was humorless.

“Shawn.”

Gus was getting tired of fighting for every bit of truth and vulnerability, but he needed it. He needed to know. He needed this conversation to be done and over because something in him said that he wouldn’t be able to handle drawing this out. Gus wouldn’t be able to ignore and patch up. The ugly thing in his chest was growing again and it wanted answers from Shawn. Gus was trying to push it away but everything was becoming so much. Everything about this was suddenly so overwhelming.

“Alright, alright, I’m a little bummed.  Maybe more than a little bummed, but it wasn’t like it was messy. It wasn’t like it destroyed everything good I feel for Jules, or her for me.”

“No it just destroyed your impending marriage.”

“Now, we don’t have to deal with a divorce! I don’t think Aaron handles divorce cases. Plus, now I don’t have to go shopping for a new suit for the wedding, you know my good suit doesn’t fit anymore.” Shawn attempted a laugh. It was brittle.

Gus let out a long sigh, walked the dishes to the kitchen, started to fill the sink. He braced himself on the counter taking deep, even breaths when he heard Shawn follow him. He looked at him, then to the sink, then back to Shawn. Gus cycled through his options, trying to find the best possible way to ask his next question. Shawn came closer, hopped up on the island behind him. His voice was so soft Gus almost didn’t hear it.

“Gus.” He started. “I’m not going to run again.”

“You know I hate when you do that.”

“Answer your questions?”

Gus clicked his tongue. He spun around because now that his biggest fear about this was out in the open he needed to look at Shawn. He needed to see Shawn. He needed to know beyond any doubt that Shawn was telling him the truth. He needed Shawn to know that _he_ was telling the truth.

       

“Answering questions I haven’t asked yet, like you know every word that’s ever going to come outta my damn mouth.”

“I do though.”

“Shawn.” Gus was tired of using the tone, but didn’t know another way to bring Shawn back.

“Right, sorry.”

“Juliet was good for you Shawn. Really good.”

“And she still will be, it’s not like she’s gone. We’ll still work together; we’ll still all be friends. We can plan sleepovers, build pillow forts. I bet I can even convince her to let you braid her hair.”

“I don’t want to braid her hair.”

“Okay, Katie’s then.”

“ _Shawn_.” It came out louder, sharper than Gus meant. His stomach dropped.

“Okay. Fine. You can braid mine but no cornrows, you know I can’t pull those off.” Shawn said.

His voice was ice. Gus lost him. He’d snapped and pushed too far and Shawn retreated. Gus didn’t know how to bring him back. He was so tired. He wanted out of this conversation just as much as Shawn did. He couldn’t. He couldn’t let this go. Gus wasn’t going to get another chance because if Shawn left without airing it all out he would figure out how to hide it. Shawn would figure out how to avoid this conversation for the rest of their lives. Gus knew he had one shot. He wasn’t clever enough to trick Shawn, not with something like this.

“I just want to know if you’re okay. _Actually_ okay. Not the okay that you’re gonna show to everyone else so they leave it alone. Not the okay like last time, where you’re fine until I get home one day and there’s a cheery post card explaining you’re on an adventure and that’s all I hear from you for _months._ ”

“I told you I’m not going to run. I won’t run.”

“I know what you told me! Do _you_ know what you told me? Last time?” Gus can’t stop himself. He can’t control his volume. He’s yelling, his voice is shaking, his hands are too. He feels like maybe everything around them is staking.

“Gus.”

“Wrong. You said, and I quote, I won’t run. You RAN.” Gus stepped closer to Shawn, not even aware of it. “You. Ran.” Gus couldn’t breathe.

“Gus-,” Shawn sounded so small, sounded pained. Gus wants to drop it.

“Shawn, you ran, and for years I was alone. You were gone. I was lucky to get any word from you every couple months. All the plans we made. Everything we dreamed up. You dropped it. You dropped me. I can’t go through the next seven years not know if you’re okay or alive or dead in Tahiti. Not hearing from you because you’re off trying to find yourself when really you’re just _running_ .” Gus let out a shaky breath, trying to reel himself in. “I can’t go through the next seven, eight, however many years without you. I uprooted everything for _you_.”

Gus’s last words came out quiet, soft. He knew Shawn understood what wasn’t said. For a minute he thinks he can leave it like this. Then Gus’s common sense kicked in. Last time he didn’t spell it all out. He let everything go at face value and Shawn went. He didn’t know if saying every single little thing would’ve changed that- but…but, Gus knows they’re at that point again. They’re at the edge of something. Shawn might leave, might run. If letting it go didn’t work last time, Gus sure as hell isn’t going to try it again. He scrubbed his face with his hands, getting ready for another round.

“Shawn-,”

“Gus ple-,” Shawn started. Gus held up his hand, stopping him mid word. He needs to let it out. Now. Before it’s too late and there’s a postcard from Peru in his mailbox.

“No. Let me finish. Shawn. You can tell everyone else you’re okay. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want you to hide everything away. I know you. You throw a Band-Aid on a broken arm and tell everyone you’re fine and hide it. You hide it well. Except that I see it. I see the lies and the winces and the glassy eyed, too wide smiles. I watch and I keep my mouth shut because it’s what you _need_. But then you hide it better and better until I can’t see it anymore either.”

Gus let that sit. The air felt heavy. He needed a second. Shawn stood, a spike of fear ran through him. He’d gone too far. He’d done the opposite of what he meant, he pushed Shawn too far. Shawn moved closer, closer, then slid right past leaning over to turn off the sink. Shawn was so close and that ugly thing came back. It was screaming.

“It was about to flood.” Shawn said softly, nodding towards the sink.

Gus lets out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding. He waited for Shawn to sit back down, but he didn’t. He stayed leaning against the counter. So close. Too close. Gus wanted to move, but somehow it didn’t feel right. He felt rooted to the ground, stuck in Shawn Spencer’s gravitational pull. He’s been trapped in it so long he forgets what it’s like to not have that instinct to stick with Shawn. To stay. Most of the time he doesn’t feel it, too used to it. Now though, to Gus it felt just like he was meeting Shawn again for the first time. Caught up in all the bullshit coming out of his mouth that he can’t help but quit the game of tag and talk to the weird kid yelling about some movie he’d never heard of and about to get his ass kicked for it.

“Shawn I know it’s not that you don’t trust me. I know it’s just, just you, just the way you are. It fucking hurts though. When you figure out how to hide something well enough to trick me too. Like I’m not more than the rest of them. I need you to be honest. I need you to honestly tell me you’re okay. Truly okay. I need to know why, if it is the truth. Shawn, I need to know, because from where I’m standing you should be devastated.”

“But I’m not.” Shawn finished for him.

“But you’re not, and I need to know why. I need to know that it’s not a bandage. I can’t stand aside and just watch you hide it. I can’t be the way you figure out how to hide it from everyone else. Tell me.”

Gus doesn’t remember a time he’s been this brave in his life. As wonderful as Shawn is, as fascinating and entertaining and fun as Shawn is- he’s also terrifying. Shawn terrifies Gus. He can vanish. He can do anything and he doesn’t need Gus to do it. Gus is just along for the ride because for some reason Shawn likes him, enjoys his company, feels loyal to him. Gus knows that can all go away one day. All the excitement and wonder and thrill of Shawn can just _go away_. It’s temporary. It can disappear without reason, but now Gus has provided one. Gus pushed. He kept pushing. Gus didn’t know what he’d do if this was too far. He didn’t know what to do without Shawn.

“I’m okay. Gus. I’m okay.” Shawn wouldn’t look at him.

“But why?” pushingpushingpushing. Why couldn’t he just _stop_?

“I’m not that kid anymore. I’m okay. I’m not going anywhere.” Shawn said. He was so quiet Gus had to lean in, “I never honestly expected to be with Juliet forever. Never. She wanted it. Thought she did, believed it most of the time, but deepdeep in the warm, gooey bits where we all hide from even ourselves she knew I wasn’t _the one_.”

Shawn sounded like he was talking about the weather. His tone was like this was the most normal thing in the world. Like the fact that he knew his fiancée didn’t think he was actually the one she should marry was standard fare.

“Juliet wanted that soul mate connection. That zap from a look and a kiss. It wasn’t me. I knew it and she knew it, but we were reallyreally happy. Gus, I was always okay with just being with her till we didn’t want to be together anymore. There was always an ending looming somewhere in the future. If it had lasted years or decades or just three days, I would’ve been fine with it.”

“That’s messed up.” Gus said it so low he wasn’t sure Shawn heard it till the corner of his mouth ticked up.

“Maybe. But I watched her meet Katie. I watched them together and knew that Juliet had found what she’d been looking for, what she was pretending to feel with me. And Katie’s great. Katie’s _really_  great. They’ll be happy together Gus, and I’m okay stepping out of the way for that to happen.”

“I feel like I’m in a parallel universe, you’re not supposed to be this mature.”

Shawn laughed. A full body laugh that rang through the kitchen and went right through Gus. The laughter settled just underneath the ugly thing in his chest. Gus laughed with him, but it was slow and tired. He felt drained, but Shawn was so close. He was radiating warmth. Gus felt drawn closer. Shawn moved from the counter, leaning just slightly into Gus’s space.

“I promise not to be this grown up too often.” Shawn said smiling.

He was so close. Gus moved closer too. They were nearly touching. He could feel Shawn’s words and breath on his face and neck. He wanted to be closer. He wanted to lean in farther and…he didn’t know. The ugly thing in his chest was tightly coiled, ready to snap. He wanted to be closer. He wanted to touch and, and...Gus didn’t want to think anymore. He didn’t want to feel Shawn looking at him. He suddenly needed to be on the other side of the room, far away, safe. He needed Shawn gone so he could stop feeling whatever it was he felt.

“Alright. It’s late. This was exhausting. I’m gonna get going buddy.” Shawn said.

He patted Gus on the shoulder as he passed to make his way to the door. Gus’s shoulder burned. Before Shawn could get too far he grabbed at his wrist, but aimed too low reaching for his hand instead. Shawn stopped, looked back to Gus curiously. Gus knew that he was still hiding something, but not enough that he thought it’d never surface again. When Shawn was ready to spill the last part of this mess he would- and Gus would be there for it.

“Ah, um, I’ll see you then. Later?” Gus stammered.

_Can I see you tomorrow to make sure you stayed_ was what he was really asking. They both knew it. They both knew that he needed proof that Shawn wasn’t going to evaporate. Shawn nodded, leaning in again. He laced his fingers through Gus’s even though the angles were awkward, borderline uncomfortable. Their noses were almost touching. Gus could. He could lean in more. He could so easily _kiss_ Shawn. The ugly thing was tearing through him. He didn’t move.

“Breakfast. Definitely.” Shawn said.

He smiled. A good smile. Normal. Not too sharp or bright. It was happy and content. Gus smiled back, letting go and watching his friend leave the apartment. The second the door shut behind Shawn everything hit Gus at once. He was heavy. He was spent. He dragged himself to the bedroom trying to forget about everything. Placing it in the back of his mind where it would wait till he could process it without needing to hyperventilate. He fell into bed still feeling the warmth of Shawn’s hand is his. He felt eight all over again.

  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gus feels stuff

They went to breakfast the next morning. It was normal. Normal on Shawn’s part at least. Gus felt emotionally hungover, concentrated on avoiding things. Avoiding anything Shawn’d find suspicious. Which meant everything. Gus sat, smiled, pushed himself to eat normal. His mom's voice bouncing around the back of his head- stop playing with your food Burton, take another bite Burton, Burton.

Shawn didn't say anything but he noticed. He was kind enough to pretend not to, kept talking on and on and on about something Gus started ignoring five minutes in. All he needed to do was throw in well timed quips and phrases and Shawn would bulldoze through. At least till his phone rang and they had a case. 

There was a dead body and Juliet waiting for them at the scene. She smiled, they joked, it was breezy. Shawn and Jules were fine, Gus didn’t know why he expected anything different especially after last night. It was sensical in a way that made Gus’s gut clench up if he thought about it too long. Juliet and Shawn had been through shit. They’d grown together as people. Stripping the romantic aspect didn’t seem to harm them at all, because they were too important to each other to let go. He hadn’t thought about that kind of thing before. None of Shawn’s other exes had stayed around, some had been friendly but they all detached regardless.

But now Shawn was smiling, friendly, close with an ex. With Juliet. She was smiling, friendly, close back. There was something about the whole thing that burned through Gus. He looked at her and just wanted... he didn’t know. He didn’t want her gone, didn’t want her hurt, didn’t want her unhappy. It was like his jealousy was only half committed to the cause.

oh.

_Oh_ _._

Jealousy.

Gus stared at the dead body at his feet. He was jealous. In a fucked up, twisted way he understood immediately. Juliet got to have both sides of Shawn. She’d been romantic, but now they were friends. Maybe closer friends than Gus and Shawn, if only because she’d seen Shawn in a way he hadn’t.

_Did he want to?_

That was another can of worms. One Gus didn’t quite feel like opening over a dead body. It tapped and tapped and tapped and tapped at the back of his mind though- while Shawn laughed, while he put on his usual show, while they drove back to the office. Gus couldn’t let it go. He couldn’t force ignorance. He couldn’t answer.

Gus followed Shawn inside. Their new office was smaller than the original, but Gus had forced his hand and actually had it decorated. He’d told Shawn that if Psych was going to be his only job, then they’d have a proper office, nothing like the Santa Barbara bachelor den. They spent two weeks trying to set it up themselves before Juliet stepped in with an honest to god interior decorator. It paid off nicely Gus thought as he sunk into the leather couch in the front room.

“So, I’m thinking it’s definitely not the babysitter. Maybe the wife, maybe the gardner. Gus,” Shawn said, “Gus! Dude are you even listening? I’m the zoner outer. You have to listen.”

Gus looked up. Shook his head. No point in lying when Shawn would know immediately. Shawn sat down across from him, raked through his hair. Gus wasn’t ready to talk again. He didn’t want another long drawn out talk like the one from last night. He’s still tired from it. Still raw. That ugly thing from last night, not jealousy but something equally disconcerting, was back. It’d been back since they drove to the crime scene. It simmered underneath everything else Gus was feeling and trying to ignore.

“I’m listening.” Shawn clicked his tongue. “Okay why isn’t it the babysitter, she had the most opportunity.”

“She’s just a kid Gus, she was shaking like a leaf because of she’s terrified, not cause she’s guilty.”

“Okay so what next?” Gus asked.

Shawn didn’t answer, just stared at Gus till he had to look away. He didn’t know what to say, he knew that he wouldn’t want to say it even if he did know. They sat silent like that for longer than Gus liked. He tried not to shift, move, position his hands in any way that could possibly look nervous. He looked at the coasters on the coffee table and kept his eyes there. Shawn was watching him, cataloguing everything. It was something he was so used to and yet it’d never made his skin crawl like it did right this moment. He’d never wanted to hide this much, get Shawn to look away, examine anything but him.

“Buddy are you okay?” Shawn was quiet again, Gus didn’t take his eyes from the coasters.

“‘m fine.”

“Gus.”

“Shawn, I’m fine, we have a murder to solve.”

“We always have a murder to solve, you’re not always not okay.” Shawn stood, sat, stood again.

“I’m okay Shawn, I’m great. Fantastic. Let’s move on.” Gus curled in on himself.

“We need to talk Gus.”

“That is the opposite of what we need to do and also what I want to do.” Gus says, moving more into the corner when Shawn sits on the other end of the couch.

“Fair enough.” Shawn said. He stood again muttering something about grabbing a bite, following a hunch. Then Shawn left. Gus took a deep breath, trying to swallow down the sense of disappointment when he knew Shawn gave up. He was glad he didn’t have to talk about how he felt. He was. He really, really, really was. He repeated it over and over aloud. He didn’t want to talk. He shouldn’t talk. His mouth tasted bitter.

xxx

Shawn didn’t bring it up again. Gus didn’t either. For a month Gus bit the inside of his cheek when they were alone. He wasn’t any closer to understanding everything he felt. Instinctively, though, he knew what it all meant. He’d felt this since he first met Shawn. Gus was a lot of things, dumb wasn’t one of them.

Underneath the buddybuddy best friend routine he cultivated was so much that wasn’t platonic. Had never been platonic. Not even when he first met Shawn on the playground. A tiny, shitty kid yelling about Jean Claude Van Damm. Screaming about him. Right in the face of the kid trying to take his lunch money. Gus looked at him from across the playground, in the middle of a game of tag and knew the scrawny white kid was about to get his ass beat. Gus hadn’t been one to stand up to bullies so he didn’t. He waited. Watched. The fight was one shot, a single punch and Shawn was down.

Gus waited till the bully left for his next victim before sprinting to Shawn. He didn’t know why, but he had to be there. If Gus didn’t get to Shawn’s side the course of his life would be completely different. He knew it would be worse, he would be worse if he didn’t get to Shawn. Burton Guster was seven years old standing on the precipice of the rest of his life and he knew it. He knew and he lept.

Gus held his hand out to the weird kid, his eye already purpling, growing. On any other face he would’ve winced, flinched sympathetically at the sight of it. With Shawn he couldn’t look away, wanted to see every shade it turned. Gus doesn’t remember what he said, what Shawn said. All he remembers is that the moment Shawn took his hand, with absolute clarity he knew he’d found something he shouldn’t ever let go.

Gus didn’t realize it in elementary. Didn’t realize in middle school. It clicked in high school. Right when it all started to fall apart for Shawn. Gus was in love with Shawn and it was the scariest thing in his teenage life. Scarier than the future or university or Shawn’s slow changes. Maybe not Shawn’s changes, because those were destructive, violent. Gus thought he’d lose Shawn and one day he did. Shawn vanished and he seemed to be the only one that gave a damn. He went to Henry, asking for anything. Asking for just enough to loosen the panic locking his muscles and lungs, keeping him up with nightmares of Shawn in a ditch. Henry shrugged him off. Gus doesn’t blame him, he doesn’t anymore, but in that moment his fist clenched so tight he bled and he shook and all he wanted was to break his hand on Henry Spencer’s face.

The next week Gus got a postcard in the mail from some South American country. Shawn’s ridiculous scrawl and three smiley faces and two hearts. Gus framed it. Waited for the next, then the next, then the next. He didn’t frame every one, but kept them all. He counted days and months between Shawn’s visits, found the pattern, anticipated every visit without not knowing if Shawn would be there for months or days or hours. Sometimes it didn’t matter, Shawn was with him again and that was enough. Sometimes Shawn left and it hurt so bad Gus didn’t want him to ever come back. He wanted to be done, free from the Shawn Spencer trap.

When Shawn left, Gus tucked away his feelings. He learned to wear a mask. Distanced himself from his university friends, kept them at arm’s length. Any closer meant betraying Shawn and the fear of them figuring out what he was trying so hard to hide. Each time Shawn came back Gus crushed his flutters and breathlessness under his heel. Ignored it. Being friends was enough, just as long as Shawn was around.

Then Shawn came back to Santa Barbara and stayed. For a year, two years. He kept staying. He stilled. Gus didn’t think it’d last but it did and he was afraid. He kept everything hidden, because what if he pushed and Shawn ran again. It wasn’t worth it.

But Shawn stayed, fell for Juliet. Gus was happy in a bitter, self loathing way. He was glad Shawn was happy, glad he’d found someone good. Juliet would treat him right. Gus hated that he missed his chance, hated his cowardice. Hated himself for being the same terrified kid that he’d been when he first figured it all out at sixteen. The same chickenshit that listed every single reason it was better to hide everything from Shawn instead of telling him.

xxx

When Gus admitted to himself, and only himself, that he was _still_ in love with Shawn he knew he was fucked.

It brought him to a choice; tell Shawn or stay silent. Staying silent had been his previous choice, but now things were different. Gus didn’t want to be alone forever and watch Shawn from the sidelines. He wanted marriage and a family and he’d tried to find someone to make it work with but it always came back to Shawn. Every damn time.

He wasn’t going to make a sudden move though, this had to be thought out. Calculated. If he was going to risk the most important relationship in his life then he was going to make the risk count.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!! I'd love to hear your thoughts! I'm on tumblr @sadfarts   
> btw I don't really have a plan in mind for any of this but I know it will end with shawn/gus and happy fluff the angst is temporary!


End file.
